Would it be more helpful if….

……if you knew more details about me?
Oh I quite like this idea….does anyone have any questions to ask me? Just post a comment with your question and I will answer it for you.

Please don’t make me have to make up questions to ask myself and post them anonymously

I want….

…..my ex, the husband, back because he knows me inside and out and I do not want to be a single parent…..we also work quite well together on the sex front and it’s less slutty to have sex with your husband. However, he is a complete childish arse sometimes and lots of other stuff it would be highly inappropriate to go into. Yes I can discuss shagging random strangers here however just in case one day my offspring stumble upon this and are traumatised for life I must refrain from verbally tearing their father to shreds…..not to mention it would make pretty graphic evidence in a divorce!

There is still a stigma attached to being a single parent, general consensus is that I must be poor (well I am a bit) and common, not particularly intelligent, live on a council estate and all my children must have different fathers. Other than being a bit poor, I don’t fit into any of those boxes and I do like proving people wrong. I do not really mind because I assume every 45yr old guy who messages me is a sad git. I didn’t know what to think about the 68yr old man who was messaging me – I almost asked him what function HE had below the waist!

One weekend, four dates…..

I started off with great intentions…..then cancelled two of them. I wasn’t feeling that spectacular and the whole dating lark really depends on my mood. I have been known to cancel on the same day as I have arranged a date. I find it a very nerve wrecking experience – as do the majority of people I expect – and if I am not 100% in the mood for meeting someone I will bail out.

I was supposed to go out on the Friday night, I spoke to the guy on Tuesday and said ‘I’m free Friday just tell me when and where’…..Friday 8pm I hadn’t heard from him and as I had been busy all day I hadn’t bothered contacting him. I did send him a message at 8.30pm saying ‘I take it we are not meeting up today then’ – isn’t that such a typical passive aggressive female thing to say, and he responded ‘I am watching football and can meet you at 10pm’ I decided to wash my hair instead. I adore a long soak in the bath and had been in casual clothes all day, I could not be bothered to shave my legs, do my make up etc just to go out for an hour. The guy was not pleased and I did not care.

Saturday lunch I was meeting Wheelchair guy, short and sweet – the date not the guy, I declined an invite back to his and luckily had an easy excuse to avoid causing offence. My ex, the husband, had sent me a message asking me to drop off some toilet roll as my date was within walking distance from his flat. My nearly 3yr old son had spent the morning flushing 4 rolls worth of toilet paper down the toilet and the ex did not want to go to the shop when two of the three children had exploding bottoms. That was my good Samaritan deed for the day – I also bagged myself a lift home because the ex was running out of clean clothes for the children.

Saturday evening my date never rang to confirm the time so I was going to slob out with a film and a bottle of wine. The guy from Friday night rang and I arranged to meet him at a supermarket as I was going out to collect some goodies anyway. This is the guy who told me he suffers from premature ejaculation, it certainly brings a whole new meaning to the term being honest and open. I have had a couple of very surreal phone conversations with him about his problem and have been playing the role of sex therapist with the aide of Google and bits I have picked up from Relate. Prem guy is a confirmed batchelor, very set in his ways and has an unusual way of talking. It isn’t that he has a strange accent but he does use odd terms, or maybe the correct words are ‘old fashioned’ terms. Actually it has only just occurred to me that his way of speaking reminds me of Hannibal Lecture in The Silence of the Lambs. I am not sure what is says about my personality that the way he talks is how I would imagine an intelligent serial killer to talk and yet I still met up with him.

I ended up going back to his house to watch a film….he lives 10 doors down from my mother so I knew I was safe (I text my mother his address) and proceeded to get very drunk on the wine he had bought for me and as per usual in my hazy drunken state with the lights lowered he began to look rather attractive. To be honest my ex, the husband, had very recently told me he definitely did not love me anymore, so I was up for some flattery…..which I didn’t actually get. I’m sure by now the reader can guess where this was headed – again my curiosity got the better of me and I was wondering how bad (or fast) his premature ejaculation was. I think this one detail will help people understand just how different this man was, he had a spare room permanently made up as he did not like to taint his own bed with women. I must admit I have spent many a minute chuckling to myself over his little oddities – like the way he is a member of pay to view porn sites, the ones where you chat to the people you are watching and he asks them their opinions on philosophical theories to get his thrills while *cough* getting his thrills. So I did do the dirty with him (safely) and told him he does not suffer from premature ejaculation and that he was what would probably be classed as the national average. I do wonder where people get some of these ideas stuck in their heads.

I had almost forgotten the biggest clue to him being a little unusual – he has offered to pay me to have sex with him regularly so he can build up his endurance and he prefers to pay me because that way it’s clear it’s just sex and not something more. I like money as much as the next person but I don’t think I could do that for it!!

I cancelled date 4 on Sunday morning. I was having a ‘Boo, you whore’ day which consists of me saying ‘boo, you whore’ every time I saw my reflection anywhere. There is no point having regrets because you cannot change events that have already happened however we can learn from our mistakes and I was hoping if I reminded myself I was being a bit slutty often enough next time I might remember not to be.

Politically incorrect…..

I obviously can’t name names and have always been one for giving nick names to people but sometimes it might just be down right offensive. It is genuinely not intentional it is usually what jumps out from their messages. For example, prem guy, who told me he suffers from premature ejaculation (he doesn’t actually but that is another post!) and the one that prompted the title…wheel chair guy, who is a guy in a wheel chair. Now personally I think this is only wrong if I call him this to his face when I have since met him and know his name but otherwise even though it is considered politically incorrect to use that term to me it is no different from saying ‘the guy with the funny voice’ or ‘the guy with black hair’ or ‘the guy with the nose like a Punch and Judy character’

The wheel chair guy’s picture was hot……his messages were right up my street, I sensed a personality very similar to mine and I have to admit I had some curiosity to what sex with a guy in a wheel chair would be like. To my friends who read this blog yes I am a mild pervert and unfortunately there isn’t much I won’t do or say to feed my curious soul (which can also be read as extreme nosiness). I did actually ask him what feeling he had below the waist – I was blushing while typing the question so I’m not a complete lost cause when it comes to modesty. He did let me know he was ‘fully functionally’ and we both had a chuckle over my bold behaviour. Unfortunately in person we just didn’t click and most unlike me I cannot share the reasons why because I am ashamed of myself. However I will defend myself from the immediate thoughts running through a reader’s mind and my reasons had absolutely nothing to do with his wheel chair – I see that as an added bonus especially when he was telling me how great his seats are at concerts!!

Should have gone to spec savers…

My latest habit is finding men with perfect chiselled features who look divine and then they always have a second picture in which they are wearing awful glasses. I just have to say you can get glasses that suit your face without spending vast amounts of money. It truly is like they have robbed their grandparents glasses and yes retro can be cool but sometimes it’s just down right dorky and not in a sexy way (I think Olly Murs is a sexy dork).

The obnoxious part is I keep messaging these men (all mid 30s – coincidence?) and telling them to get better glasses because they would look so hot with a slightly different style. I wonder if I can get a branch of opticians to sponsor my dating profile page.

Cocks and socks…

I have been sent quite a few below waist shots and do you know the one thing they have in common other than being unsolicited? Every man is wearing nothing but a pair of socks, no boxers, no trousers pulled down, just a pair of socks. I haven’t figured out why they do this when they have obviously gone to the effort of removing some of their clothing so why leave their socks on.

I also don’t know why seeing someone’s penis would make me want to meet them, penis’s are not pretty…..ever!

Awkward questions….

 

I have been messaged by a guy who is in a wheel chair, how bad is it if I ask him if he is able to have sex??

I recommend creating….

 

For fun I obtained a Google image of an attractive woman in her late 20’s, attractive but not too attractive with a friendly face. I created a new profile along side my current one. It was inundated with messages. Some were from people who had contacted myself, it turns out they would use exactly the same message for each woman they emailed. I feel so naive to have never realised people would do this. The site does have a disclaimer saying you are unable to copy and paste responses but as I have now found out it is an empty warning.

My alter ego had much fun talking to my not quite ex husband, however my silly blackberry conspired against me and while writing a response from my alter ego, once sent, it directed me to my original profiles outbox. My soon to be ex let me know that an email from me quoting his message and a reply from the alter ego had arrived in his inbox. I could have blamed his computer but he would have been too suspicious after that for it to have been any fun.

Maybe I still have a touch more growing up to do.

Men are confusing……

 

A blanket statement I’m afraid. I have yet to meet a man who knows what he wants beyond food and/or sex.

I arranged a second date with the man mentioned above. A film night at his house. I only agreed as I was curious about him blowing hot and cold. I never did get to find out. He cancelled the morning of the date. I did talk to him about and if I am right I think he was going to try and sleep with me to see if he could but then decided he wasn’t able to. I did point out that he hadn’t actually asked me my agenda for the evening and ironically it hadn’t involved sex at all. I had assumed men became more mature mentally with age although it appears they don’t. So we have decided to be friends, in my case friends that don’t contact each other again at all.

Well maybe I’ll drop him a line when I’ve lost another stone or two!

I am now wondering if I will ever meet a man as blunt and honest as I am because that would be a funny conversation

It’s about time….

 

I went on a date, I finally agreed and stuck to arrangements to meet a nice normal guy. We had been emailing then texting for a month. I decided he was funny and normal, I didn’t particularly find him attractive but also he was not ugly. He was a ‘safe option’.

 

I actually had a very nice time. We decided just to meet for a drink so we could chat. A bit of a late one as it was a week night but a chance to have a proper conversation. It has opened my eyes a little, I do forget people can look very different in real life compared to photographs.

I was VERY nervous but soon felt at ease. He could have been someone I could have liked alas there was no spark and we parted on friendly terms, he even text to make sure I had got home ok.

The part I don’t understand is that he then proceeded to text and ask me if I would have slept with him?????? I did ask him during the evening how he thought the ‘date’ was going and if he thought there was a spark and he replied ‘good but no’. I encouraged him to be open with me as 1) I need all the tips I can get and 2) it’s blog material – so why on earth would he then ask the person who he had said he did not fancy if they would have slept with him? I still am no closer to understanding the male of the species.

It has made me want to go on more dates and try and judge people more on personality but it has reinforced my theory that men are stupid and insensitive.